Monday, April 28, 2008

Lost Soul

Last night, I was very much in a state of oblivion. I hurriedly went out of the house to walk along the streets. It was 1am. The cool breeze complemented the cool water which hugged my whole body under the showers a few minutes ago. Cool. Such coolness against the warmth of my body. I quickly crossed my arms across my chest. I had to walk. I had to.

I came across a small place with drunkards happily chattering the hours away. They were noisily banging their hands on the table whenever they made their points. Such sundry discussion during the wee hours of the night. The plates, full of those meats and the like, were clattering every now and then due to the crowded space they occupy. I do not know why I was staring at them for like a minute or so, taking note of what they were doing up to each detail. It seemed like a movie, although it isn't particularly riveting. Not at all. Actually, it was closest to boring. But then, it was a good choice since I had nothing better to do at home. I've just finished the book I know I will always love, and sleeping isn't an option yet. It's another one of those nights I know I am very much good into, lazy summer nights spent staring into space in a stupor. Tonight, is different a situation since I've told myself it is better to stare at all those moving objects in a stupor, than it is to stare into space in the same stupor. So here I am now.

I passed by them after a while. I needed to walk. To calm my spirits. I needed to wail as well, but I had no one to at the moment. During these so-wanted-to-forget times, I want to talk. Endlessly. But something was stopping me from doing so. I felt the usual thorn stuck down my throat. I let out a whimper. I had to admit it. I was lonely. I was miserable. I was drowning.

After a while, I tried to compose myself. Inevitably, this is where I was headed for anyway, so why not make it now. I trudged my way back home. I let out a soft sigh as I tried to memorize everything I could lay my eyes on. I don't know for how long, I don't know why I even accepted it. Within me, I had the answer, but I'm afraid all I had were premature reasons.

Retreating to my bed, I felt a sense of nostalgia hovering over me. I looked at my phone. A few texted back, at least. I had to remember their faces, forgetting them was dreadful.

I tried to sleep. It was the best option. It was heavy. And after almost 2hours, I finally got myself into sleeping. Probably my last here. :) Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

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Saturday, April 26, 2008

The Walls of Jerico

Miss ko na pala si Jerico. Antagal na pala simula nung iwan ko siya. :) Nalungkot ako. Iniwan ko pala siya. Naaalala ko dati, sinabi niya, iniyakan niya pala ako nung nawala ako. Mahalaga pala ako sa kanya. Sa presensiya niya, isa akong bata na may kasa-kasamang kuya na hindi pwedeng galawin kahit nino. Nagagalit siya saken kapag hinahayaan ko ang iba na daan-daanan ako, sabagay, hindi naman daw habang panahon na kasama ko siya. Pero pag may kagalit ako, kagalit na din niya. Madalas, pareho kami ng naiiisip, at ang mga isyu na gumugulo saken, iniisip din niya. Sinusubukan niyang solusyunan kahit labas na siya. Madalas kaming maglakad pauwi, tinatawanan yung mga tao at iniisipan ng pwedeng sinasabi dahil malayo sila. Pati mga nagtatagpo sa gabi, tinatawanan. Lagi kong hinihintay na sabay kami umuwi, dahil yun ang pagkakataon na magtanong ako ng kahit ano, kahit di relevant. Na madalas niyang sinasagot. Tinatanong din niya ako. Napagtanto ko na lang, sinasanay pala ako na mag-isip at humukay. Sa pagdaan, nakakasabay na din ako at nagbibigay ng payo. Masaya ako na nakakatulong, lalo pag tinatanggap niya. Hindi ko alam kung paano ipapakita ang ambag niya saken, kaya ang anumang mahalaga sa kanya, pinapahalagahan ko din. Matalino siya. At gusto ko din maging katulad niya. Pag umiiyak siya, ako ang nasasaktan, parang ang diyos na inukit ko at tinitingala ko ay unti-unting gumuguho sa aking harapan. Ngunit tao din pala siya, na mataas lamang at inilagay ko sa pedestal. Nasasaktan, pero tumatapang. Gusto ko din tumapang. Protektahan ang iba tulad ng ginawa niya saken. Gusto kong iparating na hindi sayang ang mga pangaral at ehemplo na siya.

Ngayon, kailangan ko siya. Ang sarili kong depensa, nasisira ng mabilis sa inaakala. Natatakot ako humingi ng tulong dahil baka iba ang matanggap ko sa hinihingi ko. Kaya iniisip ko ang mga taong gusto kong protektahan. Ako ang tutulong.

Minsan, dadalawin kita. Pero gagawin ko yun kapag may maikukwento na akong ikatutuwa mo. Hindi naman siguro ganun katagal. Tutal, ako ang umalis, dapat lang na ako ang bumalik. :)

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Well Wishers

May ewan na naglalakad. Matagal na siyang naglalakad, at ngayon lang mas napapansin. Habang tumatagal, dumadagundong ito. Dati, mahina lang ang tunog. O, siguro, hindi ko lang pinansin, dahil sa takot. Lumalakas.

Hindi ko pa nga lang alam. Nakakatawa na lang. Dati, alam ko, na kaya din palang tunawin ang bato. At kapag natunaw ang bato, minsan, ito ay nagiging putik. At masarap sa putik, para sa kaalaman ng nakakarami. Nakakapagtaka lang, na minsan, ang bato ay nanatiling bato pa rin.

The little things. They are the ones most important.

Magandang gabi sa atin, Toni. I wish you the best.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Assumptions and Presumptions

A while ago ( i.e. 9pm?), I got hold of my mobile, to find out that someone texted in. It was indescribable. I was stunned, matter-of-factly, it made me settle for the stairs.

It was a simple message. And yet, it seemed to have hit home. I could have easily chided the whole incident, but it was unlikely. Very unlikely.

Grabe. Hindi naman siguro. Ganun na ba ang dating nun?