"Enjoy Life. There's plenty of time to be dead. "Enthused by my cutesy friend Danica. Apparently, it kind of seemed like a running joke then. Well, sabagay, in the land of the living, it's easy to die, to kill, or take away life. On the other hand, mahirap bumuhay ng patay na. To un-die someone, if there's such a phrase. To die, just so simply means, coming to a complete halt. We cry when people dear to us leave us for some place else. Going out of the country, or relocating someplace else, it doesn't matter. For the many of us, physical contact is just as important. Tangibility. And again, just like the aforementioned, when this comes to a sudden stop, we are stunned. Actually, what dawns first is the sudden stop. And then, we don't know what to do next, how to act, how to respond, because it is our first instinct is to adapt, first at hand. That is just temporary leaving. Places. Earth-bounded. And then comes, the permanence. And we call it Death.With the recent string of events, a neighbor on the verge of dying due to a terminal illness, an old teacher suffering from ESRD (End-stage renal disease), and the heart shattering demise of some of my friends' pals, I couldn't let these things pass by without me mulling over the subject. Actually, it really is difficult, even for me who's not directly hit by the grief. And to this note, how much more to the closely related?Death may sound bad. Even fearsome. I am scared as well. Scared as hell. I don't know to where I am bound to just in case. And I know, this sentiment is shared by the majority. Una-unahan lang talaga, in the race, where no one wants to take the lead. And then the others go , prepared, while some, are gotten, at the snap of the finger.I am not promulgating anything for my recent post. I just felt it rightful that I give my share, and to pour my musings. This may sound mawkish, but this is another current reality we have to face. Because it happens. At any given time.I dedicate this post to EJ, and to the friend of Soulmate Karen. I don't know if I have the right, but since you've made them happy during your lifetime, then, I owe you a part of their goodness. You may not know me, might not ever heard of me, but since you make an impact to them, I could almost feel the waves you've made.See you at the afterlife! And just so you know, you are loved. :)Labels: Current Issues, Death, Events, Sadness
Lost Soul
Last night, I was very much in a state of oblivion. I hurriedly went out of the house to walk along the streets. It was 1am. The cool breeze complemented the cool water which hugged my whole body under the showers a few minutes ago. Cool. Such coolness against the warmth of my body. I quickly crossed my arms across my chest. I had to walk. I had to.I came across a small place with drunkards happily chattering the hours away. They were noisily banging their hands on the table whenever they made their points. Such sundry discussion during the wee hours of the night. The plates, full of those meats and the like, were clattering every now and then due to the crowded space they occupy. I do not know why I was staring at them for like a minute or so, taking note of what they were doing up to each detail. It seemed like a movie, although it isn't particularly riveting. Not at all. Actually, it was closest to boring. But then, it was a good choice since I had nothing better to do at home. I've just finished the book I know I will always love, and sleeping isn't an option yet. It's another one of those nights I know I am very much good into, lazy summer nights spent staring into space in a stupor. Tonight, is different a situation since I've told myself it is better to stare at all those moving objects in a stupor, than it is to stare into space in the same stupor. So here I am now. I passed by them after a while. I needed to walk. To calm my spirits. I needed to wail as well, but I had no one to at the moment. During these so-wanted-to-forget times, I want to talk. Endlessly. But something was stopping me from doing so. I felt the usual thorn stuck down my throat. I let out a whimper. I had to admit it. I was lonely. I was miserable. I was drowning.After a while, I tried to compose myself. Inevitably, this is where I was headed for anyway, so why not make it now. I trudged my way back home. I let out a soft sigh as I tried to memorize everything I could lay my eyes on. I don't know for how long, I don't know why I even accepted it. Within me, I had the answer, but I'm afraid all I had were premature reasons. Retreating to my bed, I felt a sense of nostalgia hovering over me. I looked at my phone. A few texted back, at least. I had to remember their faces, forgetting them was dreadful. I tried to sleep. It was the best option. It was heavy. And after almost 2hours, I finally got myself into sleeping. Probably my last here. :) Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.Labels: Events, Resurgences, Sadness
Rites.
Gad. It is Sunday already.Aatend ba ako? Pupuntahan ba kita? I still don't know. Still reeling from your tragedy. Our tragedy. Oh yes. Our tragedy. I still couldn't believe the entire incident. Although we've long talked of these, it never crossed my mind that it would be done. Although many attempts have been made, it never occured t0 me that one day, you would be that successful in it. I've long believed.. no. They've all believed that I was one of those reasons you weren't pursuing your plan. Hell. You were so desperate for it. And I dunno if I could ever forgive you. Or at least, for now. You always see to it that my decision was known to you. And I know they mattered. You've always said that I always come to your rescue. I liked the idea that I could help you as far as I could, even going overboard. Although sometimes, I may have grudged then that you weren't always there for me. Kasi naman.. Understandable still. Alam mo naman na hindi ako ma-confide na tao. And I wouldn't want to burden you even more. Between the two of us, incidentally, I was the stronger type. You had your worries, and I've had mine, but I didn't mind at all.Hell. I couldn't spit out the words. You didn't call me right there and then. I thought it was odd that you weren't texting, or bugging me for the last few number of days. Pinagaalala mo ako. Had I not asked around, I wouldn't have known all that has happened. Nalungkot lang ako. When I should have been there, I was not. I was joking all the time, " Hindi nga kita pinapakagat sa lamok e. Magsabi ka lang. Akong bahala. " Serious issues abound, yes. And if anyone would know the magnitude of those reasons, they could probably understand. But I do not. Probably, I won't. You could have leaned on me even for the last time. Pero ganyan ka e. Kung di pa ako mangungulit, di mo sasabihin.Selfish na kung selfish. At least ngayun lang. Madaya ka. Madaya ka lang talaga. Sarili mo lang iniisip mo. Di mo na inisip kapwa mo. Kahit ako lang. I've always dreamt of you finally overpowering me, so I could lean on you even for a fleeting moment. Still waiting for that. But I guess, you gave up. And the wait, is finally over.Hindi mo na binigyan ang sarili mo na mabago ang tingin ko sayo. Always the selfish type. Always. Ako naman ngayon. Hell. Again, I couldn't even speak. May bumabara sa lalamunan ko. Madaya ka. Leaving me of all these guilt. You've never seen me cry, I tried not to, in your presence, because I was afraid it would crumble my whole edifice. Mahina ka kasi. For sure, tumatawa ka diyan. Dahil mukha akong tanga. The hell I care. Galit ako sayo. And I've decided, di na lang ako pupunta. Saka na, pag mag-isa ka na lang. That way, masosolo na kita. Thinking of it, this could have been your way to end your pains. You forgot to ask me though, if I weren't paining as well. Nah. forget about it. This could be your way to repay me. You better guard me, and eye on me for always. :)Thanks for the laughter. And making me a worthy person. I wish we could have laughed on all your stuff for like forever. Pero, good things come to an end. Good people end as well. Nauna ka lang. Tsk. Kala mo, when I see you after a few good years, I'm gonna give you a good scolding, like you always get from me. And when I see that smirk on your face, I'll punch you in the gut. :-P Kita mo na, ngayun pa lang, namimiss na ata kita.Labels: Confusions, Death, Events, Sadness
Softcore Rant
Hehe. Napa-update tuloy ako ng wala sa schedule. Negativity. Always the strong element that never fails to push me to write anew anything. Virtually anything. Monday, November 5, 2007. You shall be remembered all throughout. --> First and foremost, Migraine. My left temple kept throbbing up until the last minute. It felt like my heart kept pumping energy to the thousands of jackhammers inside my head. And my great capillaries, I swear, would have grown into arteries, actual size. I hope it's not tumor. And if it is, splendid relief. Death is most welcome.--> Secondly, Insomnia. This great friend I've thought for months, and what a heap of joy to have realized that it had left me for someone more worthy. But no. The customer is back. With a vengeance. Sleep arrives at the most untimely moment, say, over dinner? It wouldn't be an exagerration to note that the soup[this time, the dreadful tinola], splattered over me when I reached for it from the end of the dining table. It could pass for stupidity, but no, I'll blame it for Insomnia. After 3am, it arrives, like an expected thief of the night, stashing away my precious sleep.-->Thirdly, no reunion with HS friends. Tsk. Everyone's busy, and I'm busy catching up sleep during the day. Or playing PC games. Or reading this novel. --> Next, this I wouldn't elaborate more. This is a secret. Hehe. Pero, nakakarelate ako sa'yo. Ok lang yan. You are goddamn honest, and I can't be like that. Especially in that aspect. Really a sensitive one. Haha! I'll do it. Focus. This is a new beginning.Business.--> The PSE trading this day all the more provided me the grimace. And I thought the main index would rally over the half percentage point cut made by the Fed. That's hefty, ok? Profit taking must be the culprit. I mean, the bourse could've made some edging over the long holiday, plus window-dressing. Companies would be posting strong corporate figures for 3rd quarter I assume, and these should be more than enough reason for a rally. --> The Peso is at 43.55 per dollar. That's great news. At almost 12% appreciation, we are just behind the Indian Rupee as Asia's Top Performing currency. We could topple them. We shall.--> The sad part. Oil, and crude, in the next few days, if the situations worsen, would breach $100 a barrel. That's oil crisis for us. It's already at $95-$96. I just hope it would plummet back to just $70-$80. An already high oil price would dampen our growth. We are aiming for at least 7% GDP for 2007. Hay. Sad news. Sad news. I'm just a little depressed. Daming excuses, no? Labels: -ber, Sadness, tracking the stock market ang hobby.., Updates
The Leave-er and the Leave-ee
For the past months, it never ceased to amaze me, I mean, the wonders and the bonkers of the thought of someone leaving ahead of others. I've always been fascinated with how people cope with this one, and particularly shattered, of course, when bonds tightly kept are abruptly cut. I'll share with everyone these lines from a blog I used to visit."...naisip ko lang kanina, napakaswerte ng mga taong umaalis. kahit mapipilitan silang iwanan ang mga mahal nila, may bagong lugar upang bumuo muli ng panibagong buhay. ngunit paano naman ang mga naiiwan? ang hirap gumising na lamang at mapapansin mong pareho parin lang buhay. eto parin ang buhay na kinagawian mo. ang tanging nagbago ay wala na siya. narito ka parin sa lugar na makapagpapaalala sa'yo ng mga sandaling kasama mo siya. mahirap lalong lumimot, bumitaw at kumawala sa mga alaalang pumapako sa'yo sa mahal mo..."Everytime I come across this one, I feel a pang hit my stomach. It seems that the writer has an inexplicable wanting for that someone already bound to leave. Tsk. Attachments. Too much victims in this world already. More members, eh?Sometimes, I would tell Jerico the sadness of the person leaving. I think it surpasses even the sum total of those who would be left behind. When Johann left the trio, we were devastated. But I think it was more for him. For a single person, it would be too much to bear. Time would tell that these people would grieve, and then, time would heal the wounds, and then, they forget. They could regroup, and bond even more. As to the one who left? A new environment, a new start, a new everything. Start from scratch.Nabibigyan ng pagkakataon yung mga naiiwan to seek solace from one another. They could still be in normality since they still have one another, just minus one. It's rather sad that the solution to every ache and pain has to be forgetting. And with that, the person associated with it.It's quite funny that people make up for lost time just to compensate. Rosa, it's sweet you've gone out of your way just to express sentiments. I thoroughly appreciate that. And don't worry, for the person you are addressing in your journal, you are one of the reasons why the other side has to be considered. Don't worry about our pact. I'm sure, you could do it.I'm just waiting for the verdict......And the words of that one person recently wielding the single biggest influence in my life. I will be hanging on to these..Labels: -ber, Journey, Mid-October, Sadness, Thoughts
Accio, 2nd Vengeful Spirit!
I was extra furious a while ago, because of the sudden downpour of rain, which was the reason I was drenched in cold rainwater. I planned to go strolling, and I found myself aboard a megataxi. I wasn't headed for an exact place, actually. I just want to go away, far away from my known reality. I prefer to call it, pagtakas. I was escaping from my reality, and I couldn't think of anyone to tag along, and pour out my sentiments with, since everyone, literally everyone, was busy and preoccupied with their own qualms. And since that's the case, then there's no reason letting anyone know yours. Di naman ako galit. Nagiging choosy na lang talaga ako.There it goes again. The old feeling I once harbored. Paulit ulit na lang talaga. Parang sirang plaka, if ever I'd rant about it. Oftentimes, I enjoy holding grudges. It let's you see people in a different light. Or in the dark. I once tackled the feelings of being in the unknown. I've been there. The beauty of being in it is far outweighed by its beastliness. I'm wondering where I should stand. If I should give this much, or more. I am seeking a refuge, and I want it under your wings. Nah. Labo. Labo. Labo. You know, this feeling, is far exceeded by any Sword of Damocles hung above your head. Or probably being tantalized. So near, yet kilometres apart."People trust me with their secrets. But who do I trust with mine?" --Barbara Covett [Judi Dench] Notes on a ScandalLabels: -ber, Confusions, Resurgences, Sadness
An Untimely Demise
No more dirty sleeves, with pawprints. No more nose to pinch. No more funny moments brought about by standing on hind legs. No more brown furs.The other day, I couldn't leave the house for work because my pet dog was ailing. Seriously afflicted with a disease. The Vet clinic I know in town was already closed, and I just had to suffice the whole dredging moment with having my dog drink as much water, eat as much food, and take-in supplements just to probably alleviate the pain she is enduring. I had to fan her for almost an hour because she was having a shortage of air, and I was stroking her intact fur for comfort. She also had some sort of fever, and I know something is wrong, she's been coughing out blood, my mom told me. We've been blaming her probable fondness for rusty metals, for the last few days. We should have taken measures then.Upon reaching home, I learnt of the death. At the very instant, I felt a part of me has just left. Truly devastating. I was expecting two dogs to welcome me on my arrival. Apparently, one had gone away. Goodbye,Anubis. That's Anubis for me and my brother. Lassie to my mother, and Tuta to my other brother. All were pertaining to one and the same canine. Anubis
Outlived by 4 brothers, Mother and Dad
and Hatshepsut
Labels: Death, Pets, Sadness
