Rites.
Gad. It is Sunday already.Aatend ba ako? Pupuntahan ba kita? I still don't know. Still reeling from your tragedy. Our tragedy. Oh yes. Our tragedy. I still couldn't believe the entire incident. Although we've long talked of these, it never crossed my mind that it would be done. Although many attempts have been made, it never occured t0 me that one day, you would be that successful in it. I've long believed.. no. They've all believed that I was one of those reasons you weren't pursuing your plan. Hell. You were so desperate for it. And I dunno if I could ever forgive you. Or at least, for now. You always see to it that my decision was known to you. And I know they mattered. You've always said that I always come to your rescue. I liked the idea that I could help you as far as I could, even going overboard. Although sometimes, I may have grudged then that you weren't always there for me. Kasi naman.. Understandable still. Alam mo naman na hindi ako ma-confide na tao. And I wouldn't want to burden you even more. Between the two of us, incidentally, I was the stronger type. You had your worries, and I've had mine, but I didn't mind at all.Hell. I couldn't spit out the words. You didn't call me right there and then. I thought it was odd that you weren't texting, or bugging me for the last few number of days. Pinagaalala mo ako. Had I not asked around, I wouldn't have known all that has happened. Nalungkot lang ako. When I should have been there, I was not. I was joking all the time, " Hindi nga kita pinapakagat sa lamok e. Magsabi ka lang. Akong bahala. " Serious issues abound, yes. And if anyone would know the magnitude of those reasons, they could probably understand. But I do not. Probably, I won't. You could have leaned on me even for the last time. Pero ganyan ka e. Kung di pa ako mangungulit, di mo sasabihin.Selfish na kung selfish. At least ngayun lang. Madaya ka. Madaya ka lang talaga. Sarili mo lang iniisip mo. Di mo na inisip kapwa mo. Kahit ako lang. I've always dreamt of you finally overpowering me, so I could lean on you even for a fleeting moment. Still waiting for that. But I guess, you gave up. And the wait, is finally over.Hindi mo na binigyan ang sarili mo na mabago ang tingin ko sayo. Always the selfish type. Always. Ako naman ngayon. Hell. Again, I couldn't even speak. May bumabara sa lalamunan ko. Madaya ka. Leaving me of all these guilt. You've never seen me cry, I tried not to, in your presence, because I was afraid it would crumble my whole edifice. Mahina ka kasi. For sure, tumatawa ka diyan. Dahil mukha akong tanga. The hell I care. Galit ako sayo. And I've decided, di na lang ako pupunta. Saka na, pag mag-isa ka na lang. That way, masosolo na kita. Thinking of it, this could have been your way to end your pains. You forgot to ask me though, if I weren't paining as well. Nah. forget about it. This could be your way to repay me. You better guard me, and eye on me for always. :)Thanks for the laughter. And making me a worthy person. I wish we could have laughed on all your stuff for like forever. Pero, good things come to an end. Good people end as well. Nauna ka lang. Tsk. Kala mo, when I see you after a few good years, I'm gonna give you a good scolding, like you always get from me. And when I see that smirk on your face, I'll punch you in the gut. :-P Kita mo na, ngayun pa lang, namimiss na ata kita.Labels: Confusions, Death, Events, Sadness
Agglutination
The day started out with me almost giving up on almost everything. Iniisip ko na lang na matapos yung araw, and Good Heavens, ok na. As in! The morning, noon and early afternoon totalled a great disaster, and I was on the verge of leaping out of the borders of my sanity. I remember walking along Pedro Gil and Agoncillo, back and forth, and taking a jeepney ride to Faura because I was at my low then, and I couldn't contain the pressure. I kept on thinking, even though I already have in my hand my finished output. Circumstances prevented me to pass the original, brought about by the loss of the fucking USB. It's late in the afternoon when I finally met head on with probably good luck, and some good strike. I got the grade I didn't expect to get. Which was higher. Haha! Ayun. I quickly went to the PGH chapel to show my appreciation.The day was rather odd. I was busy sorting out things inside my head, but it seems they have gotten themselves some strong roots. Sometimes, I think of empanelling a grand jury to help me decide on these issues. Literally, it kills me. But you know, it's kinda weird. Being killed this way, it's blissful. Reeeaally blissful.One thing. It changed my outlook. I thought once you just fall for it. But then, what do you know. I'm climbing onto it. Full speed.*Stock market and Philippine Peso: At 7 year-highs! Yey!Labels: -ber, Confusions, Resurgences, Thoughts, tracking the stock market ang hobby..
Vague Vicissitudes
Glaring at the monitor screen, I try to detach myself from the noise that well surrounds me. For this certain moment, I'd like to impose a sense of monotony to the world. It's quite riveting that the next potentate that I am, I feel a little helpless when I should be wielding a great force to let everyone know that in here lies a certain me. Hehe. Funny. fuuunny. It is particularly imminent that the tides have switched and reverted themselves. Curse the moon, in this case, Deimos and Phobos, for going over the fence so quickly. But I don't think one would imagine that this would be so abrupt. Rawr. The tagalogs have a term for this. "Parang dumaan lang"."Hi flower. And what the heck are you smiling at?" haha. A sign of nonexistence...And I shall disappear with the whiff of the wind. And no one would know where I had gone to.PS. Why?Labels: -ber, Confusions, Mars speaks, Thoughts, Weak
Seven Severities
Uh. Updates? Hmmm.. For wednesday, everything went to a slow. The day waaaas slow. But it was relatively fine. Just a few disappointments. *sigh* What do I expect?1. Yay. Just had a minor argument with an overseas aunt. Tsk. Over the phone. Details would be spared from divulgence. It was, uh, normal naman. I mean, I had to assert myself. And weave a bunch of lies. She was a bit stern, but I kept on convincing myself and her for the reasons of my stay. I just felt a bit bad that all was in the works already, only one was pending. Ayan ha. 2. Finished some papers. And started working on my last project. Uggh. It drained me. 3. It would seem that the funds I am expecting would be delayed. I'm running low! Wahaha. Lately, I coerced myself to do a little audit of my expenditures, followed by a few grimaces. And I throw some of the receipts. One time, my mom saw them, and went to her rare monstrosity. 4. Speaking of my Mom, we haven't been much into speaking terms lately. Must've been that incident. She accused me for being arrogant. Haha. I think that was funny. It must be true. Ayus lang. Ma, I miss you. And 'wag na kasi paranoid, ok?5. I went ballistic a while ago. The 1-km stretch that is the Alabang Rotonda did it. The traffic! It rivals EDSA! I was gaping at the horror of staying for almost an hour inside the jeepney. See 1km. There's no logic. And here's my favorite part. When I finally decided to walk, guess? The vehicles moved. And voila. No traffic. Another evidence of planetary conspiracy. Makes me wonder. 6. Learnt of a news. Gaaad. 7. Earlier this morning, Jerico got me into thinking, and it made me extremely weak. My knees were literally trembling. Haay. Saka na yan. Feeling ko, mauulit na naman ang trahedya ng highschool. Labels: -ber, Confusions, List, Mid-October, Updates, Weak
Accio, 2nd Vengeful Spirit!
I was extra furious a while ago, because of the sudden downpour of rain, which was the reason I was drenched in cold rainwater. I planned to go strolling, and I found myself aboard a megataxi. I wasn't headed for an exact place, actually. I just want to go away, far away from my known reality. I prefer to call it, pagtakas. I was escaping from my reality, and I couldn't think of anyone to tag along, and pour out my sentiments with, since everyone, literally everyone, was busy and preoccupied with their own qualms. And since that's the case, then there's no reason letting anyone know yours. Di naman ako galit. Nagiging choosy na lang talaga ako.There it goes again. The old feeling I once harbored. Paulit ulit na lang talaga. Parang sirang plaka, if ever I'd rant about it. Oftentimes, I enjoy holding grudges. It let's you see people in a different light. Or in the dark. I once tackled the feelings of being in the unknown. I've been there. The beauty of being in it is far outweighed by its beastliness. I'm wondering where I should stand. If I should give this much, or more. I am seeking a refuge, and I want it under your wings. Nah. Labo. Labo. Labo. You know, this feeling, is far exceeded by any Sword of Damocles hung above your head. Or probably being tantalized. So near, yet kilometres apart."People trust me with their secrets. But who do I trust with mine?" --Barbara Covett [Judi Dench] Notes on a ScandalLabels: -ber, Confusions, Resurgences, Sadness
Arrested Development
Eto na naman ulet. Everytime I plan something good, everything turns sour. Tsk. Seems like I've got no inborn talent or skill at planning. I should be throwing away already my organizer and other scrap pads. I should be happy. Pero hindi. And this is not good. Definitely not good. Bumabalik na naman. Napaisip tuloy ako. Sayang.Labels: Confusions, Thoughts
Confusion and Cornycopia
After logging out of YM, i made my last view of my Favorites. I was astounded upon seeing a familiar webpage. I was immediately confounded and I swung back to a state of happiness and loathsome state, eventually leading to loneliness and pagkamuhi sa aking sarili. It seems that the days were witness of how I did injustice to this certain feline. That I was being utterly irrational and succumbing to the darkest matters of my emotional dungeon. And now, dear readers, I take this vow. All of you, bearing witness. "I won't take sides. Momentarily. I think I'm being unfair to everyone else." Kasi, sa totoo lang, Jerico's comments hit home. "Masaya ka? Totoo? Ang selfish mo nman."Ayoko na. Ata. Naawa ako bigla. Always at the middle. This must have been what Malcolm's feeling. ----------------------------Choco Mallows. Ansaraaaaaaaaap. *wala lang*Labels: Choco Mallows, Confusions, Senescence
